“Regret” – is a common emotion that we are all too familiar with…When we lose someone we love deeply, our feeling of regret amplifies and we start looking for traces of our loved ones in our memories. Our concept of time is completely suspended. We stop focusing on the present, and we start dwelling in the past. I can still remember that morning when Stanley took his last breath in front of me on Nov. 14. 2011, I was dumbstruck with numerous emotions that I could not even begin to comprehend. Everything was meshed together, and before I could even realize it, tears were running down my face. The days following his death, my family and I immersed ourselves in the past, thinking about all the moments we shared with Stanley. We filled ourselves with sorrow, remorse and regret, thinking about our interactions with Stanley and what could have been done differently. Since then, I would constantly find myself back in the past again, reminiscing about him.

As I have mentioned before, me and Stanley’s relationship was unique. We were very close, yet we rarely exchange or express our gratitude towards each other. We knew we loved each other very much, but until his cancer, never once did we actually say “I love you” to each other. Perhaps it was the culture of being raised as a Taiwanese. Growing up, we were not taught to express our love directly, it was merely a silent mutual acknowledgement that love “exists” between us and nothing more.

I can still remember vividly when Stanley called me and told me that they had found a tumor in him. We were both trying to remain calm for each other on the phone, but you could hear our voices trembling as we held our breaths, trying so hard not to cry. Stanley and I realized the severity of his cancer, and how his time was literally counting down. It was then that things completely changed between us. Gradually, we opened up to each other, and the emotional barrier we had started to disappear. We constantly expressed how much we love each other, and we never let a chance slip by where we could tell each other “I love you.” We started conversing a lot. We talked about our personal life, the type of girls we like, what kind of girls we dated/we should date, and what I plan to do with my life. He became extremely interested in my life, and started caring about every single thing I did. He would criticize my performances with Instant Noodles, he urged me to keep dancing, and he demanded to meet all my close friends. On the days when his spirits were high, I would bring my friends to visit him. I became involved with his friends, with his personal life, and we would often talk about very intimate things. Death brought Stanley and I extremely close together. We were able to talk about dying, what I should do when he is gone, and what I should be prepared for. I was helping him write his will, and his last words to his friends. I was the only one in the family he was willing to talk about death with and we would often joke about death.

As we undergo loss of our loved ones, we try to revive them through our memories. We remind ourselves of the time we spent together, and the conversations we had. Looking back, there was nothing left un-said between me and Stanley. We expressed ourselves honestly, and said everything we needed to say to each other before his beautiful soul departed this world. Although I still feel regrets for not being able to save him, I do not feel regret about not expressing my love truthfully to him. I knew he left this world knowing that I loved him very very much.

PLEASE Do not let any opportunity slip by where you could express your love to your loved ones. Take some time, text your loved ones, call them, talk to them and just simply express your love, your care, and your worry to them. It is never too late and there is always something more to say. You never want to look back in your memories only to realize that the things you could remember about your loved ones are the things left un·said.

Cancer Can’t, Love Can.
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